Thursday, February 24, 2011

Death to Dairy...and Other Sacrifices I Make for My Child

Loving your children can get quite expensive. Jude isn't even old enough yet to be begging for the latest iPhone (oh wait, that's Nick), but he cries out for some pricey goods just the same. Literally.

See, Jude was struck with that magical childhood illness known as colic at the age of 2 weeks. His tummy was tight as a drum, while he arched his back to Cirque-de-Soleil dimensions and his little face puckered up in pain. And the crying. There was a lot of it.

So being the good mother I am, I began researching. And throwing money at the situation. You get a little desperate after all that crying, I'm telling ya.

So here's the breakdown. We shall call this list WAYS WE HAVE TRIED TO GET JUDE TO STOP CRYING INVOLVING MULA.
1. "Colic Calm" homeopathic gripe water = $28.95. I still don't know what "gripe water" is.
2. Three bottles of Mylicon gas relief drops = $13.02
3. Pro-Gaia (apparently that is a character from a comic book?) pro-biotic drops = $33. There is a $5 rebate, but I haven't gotten it yet, so I'm not counting that.
4. Trip to the special hippy grocery store for all dairy-free products = $29.85. How on earth do people afford to be vegan?!?!
5. Seven adjustments from the pediatric chiropractor = $254.70 Yes, apparently babies need chiropractors, too.
GRAND TOTAL: $359.52

I have to say, the hardest part of this (other than the crying) has been going dairy-free. Disclaimer: I am a country girl. Country girls like milk. It's in our complexion. It's in our soaps. It's in our blood (well, you get the point). At least I don't live in Wisconsin.

So per everyone's advice, I have been dairy-free now (with some SLIGHT cheating) for over 2 weeks, and it's dang near killing me. Did you know that pretty much every food in the Western world has some form of dairy in it? I know now why the cow is sacred in India. It has become sacred in my dairy-deprived world, too.

I have been surviving on Wheat-Thins and Craisins, folks. Costco-sized tubs of them.

Journey along with me as we explore the world of dairy-free:

The most expensive chocolate chips I have ever eaten. And, true to my nature, if it's chocolate of any kind, I'll like it. These are actually pretty good!

This ice cream will do in a pinch. Though, once again, ridiculously overpriced. If there's no milk in it, what is it? I don't know to know!

My 2nd attempt at dairy-free cheese went much better than the first.  While the cheese pictured below has the claim of "It Melts!" (isn't ALL cheese supposed to melt??? Is that some amazing vegan accomplishment that I just missed?), Daiya cheese can say, "Melts AND Stretches!" Oooooo....


My favorite find on this adventure. This company donates a portion of their proceeds to WorldVision, and the bonus? It actually tastes FABULOUS! I am so buying this for the rest of my life, breastfeeding or not!

The best part about this disgusting cheese that you can slice with your finger and that feels like a sponge? The brand name. Can you read it? FOLLOW YOUR HEART. Sorry, but my heart's telling me to DRINK A MUG OF MILK A MEAL, per that semi-truck's instructions I saw racing down the freeway last week.
Someday, Jude is going to not like me. He's going to rail at me for not letting him drive solo across the United States on a motorcycle, roll his eyes over my refusal to give him permission for a tattoo and sigh when I don't know what band he's listening to on a device that has yet to be invented. "Mom," he'll say, "you must not love me! You don't understand me! You've never done anything for me!"

And I will look him straight in the eye and say, "Oh yeah? I ate something called a CHEESE ALTERNATIVE for you! ALTERNATIVE, for crying out loud!"

If that's not love, what is?